The Nazgul Sue the Fellowship
by No one of Consequence1
Summary: I think the title is self-explanatory...
1. A Devious Scheme

The Nazgûl Sue the Fellowship By: No One of Consequence  
  
Chapter One: A Devious Scheme  
  
It is a few months after the War of the Ring and the Nazgûl mysteriously appear from. somewhere. They find out that their whole band is still intact and decide to have a reunion at Panera Bread.  
  
Nazgûl 1: Ahh, remember the carefree days of being neither living nor dead and striking terror into the hearts of all that lay eyes on us? (Takes a sip of I. C. Mocha)  
  
Nazgûl 2: Yeah, then that crummy "Fellowship" had to get a Captain Kirk complex and try to save the world and everything.  
  
Nazgûl 3: Hey, when did we start talking normally?  
  
(Nazgûl all look at each other and shrug)  
  
Nazgûl 4: I got an idea! All we have to do is get an unscrupulous lawyer, file a lawsuit, and we can make a fortune!  
  
Nazgûl 5: Aaaaand who would we sue?  
  
Nazgûl 4: The Fellowship stupid!  
  
Nazgûl 6: Hey that's great!  
  
Nazgûl 7: Who shall we get for a Lawyer?  
  
Nazgûl 8: Why should we shell out cash for a lawyer? Aren't we unscrupulous enough?  
  
Nazgûl 9: That works for me!  
  
Nazgûl 10: Great! We should have these things more often!  
  
Nazgûl 1: Wait, weren't there only nine of us?  
  
All Nazgûl stare at Nazgûl #10 who shrugs and tears off a hunk of sourdough. 


	2. In court

Chapter Two: In court  
(A few weeks later, the Fellowship is in court, talking before the case starts up.)  
  
Legolas: I can't believe the Nazgûl are back! Didn't we take care of them a long time ago?  
  
Aragorn: And what are we going to do with Boromir's summons?  
  
Gimli: Don't worry about him.I figured it all out last night while I was playing Zelda.  
  
Arwen: What I don't understand is why *I* have to be here! I wasn't a member of the Fellowship!  
  
Gandalf: Well dear, your part in the movies was enlarged to such an extent that you got nearly just as much screen time as the Fellowship. So, the Nazgûl thought it was only fair that you be included in the charges.  
  
Pippin: Which are?  
  
Baliff: All rise! This court is now in session! The honorable Judge Saruman presiding!  
  
(The Fellowship all balk as an evily-grinning Saruman enters and sits down.)  
  
Sam: Where did you come from!!!???  
  
Saruman: It's simple: If Gandalf can come back to life, I jolly well can too!  
  
Merry: This is starting to look very not good.  
  
Gandalf: (groaning) You don't know the half of it! Look at the jury!  
  
(The all turn and go pale as they see Tom Bombadill, Goldberry, Glorfindel, Elladan, Elrohir, Fatty Bolger, Farmer Maggot, Mrs. Maggot, Old Man Willow, The Barrow-wight, Quickbeam and Gildor Inglorion in the jury-box.) 


	3. A bad beginning

Chapter Three: A bad beginning  
  
Sauman: Alrighty, the prosecution will now make their opening statement!  
  
Nazgûl 1: Your honor, we wraiths intend to prove that the so called, "Fellowship of the Ring.."  
  
Aragorn: *Soooo* not my idea! I told Elrond, "Who will take us seriously with a name like that!" But nooo, he had to get all clever and come up with some dumb excuse about nine of us to match the nine wraiths, which doesn't even make sense anymore, because now there are ten of th..  
  
(He stares hard at the Nazgûl)  
  
Nazgûl 6: Don't ask, it just sort of happened.  
  
Nazgûl 1: *Anyways*, as I was saying: we intend to prove that the Fellowship has committed heinous acts of treason against the people and culture of Middle-earth!  
  
Legolas: WHAT!??  
  
Nazgûl 3: Shut up and sit down, you little leprechaun.  
  
Legolas: What did you call me!!??  
  
Nazgûl 7: You heard him, pixy boy! Havo dad!  
  
Legolas: Leave my dad out of this!  
  
Saruman: Order in the court! The Defense may now present their opening statement.  
  
(Legolas is speechless over the insult, Aragorn is still trying to figure out where the 10th Nazgûl came from, and the rest are too shocked to reply)  
  
Saruman: Okay, the prosecution may present their first witness!  
  
(No reviews, no updates. It's that simple, folks :) ) 


	4. Getting worse

****

I dedicate this next chapter to Dan, for the following reasons:

1) He thinks I'm funny

2) He sings during Physics class and gets me out of trouble for being a smart-alec

3) He wore a suit for the last day of class

4) He shaved his head for the play

You're amazing Dan! :-)

Chapter Four: Getting worse

Nazgûl 8: I call as my first witness, Pîm Boogernose!

__

The Fellowship all stare as the runny-nosed dwarf is sworn in.

Pippin: Who's _she??_

Gimli: I dunno, but she's kinda cute…

__

Legolas glares at him

Gimli: What? What's it to you?

__

Legolas grumbles something inaudible and slumps in his chair.

Gandalf: (_Flipping through the Silmarillion Appendix) _She's not in here…

Nazgûl 8: Pîm, please tell the court who you are

Pîm: I am wife to Legolas Greenleaf, Prince of Mirkwood.

__

All except Legolas, Pîm, and the Nazgûl gasp

Frodo: Wha-wha-what!?

Pîm: We met a century or so before the whole ring business, and got married. We now have eight children, and are living in a nice little place just outside of Erebor.

__

Everyone stares at Legolas, who has turned a nice shade of rosy pink.

Nazgûl 8: Your honor, here is their marriage license. Based on this evidence, and the testimony of Mrs. Boogernose-Greenleaf, I charge Legolas Greenleaf with disrupting Middle-earth by having, as of this moment in time, over 832,530.5 girlfriends/wives.

__

All gasp and Legolas bursts into tears.

Aragorn: point five?

Nazgûl 8: A few of them were hobbits

Sam: HEY! Hobbits count as whole people!

Gandalf: Actually, technically "halflings" only qualify as ½ or .5

Sam pouts

Legolas: (_sobbing_) It's not my fault! It was all that stupid Orlando guy! All I ever wanted was to have a nice little wife and be a zucchini farmer! Was that so much to ask??!!

Saruman: Hang on, I'm a little confused here. Remember I've been dead for a bit. Could you please fill me in?

Nazgûl 9: Well your honor, we have been doing some checking-up on Mr. Greenleaf here, and it seems that every few decades or so he gets a new wife/girlfriend. We have accounts of his wandering about Middle-Earth until he finds some desperate Elf-maiden who has been cruelly mistreated by humans, some fierce warrior-chick who needs help finishing off a few balrogs, a party where some forlorn babe has no one to dance with, or (and most common of all) some 20th century female who has been mysteriously transported to Middle-earth.

__

Audience gasps

Saruman: Do you have any witnesses who can support these claims?

Nazgûl 10: Well, actually…

Nazgûl 1-9: You shut up and stay out of this!


End file.
